Sunday, February 13, 2011

WARNING: Depressing Post Ahead!

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not write any depressing, "poor me", "I hate infertility" posts, but today I cant help it and I really need to vent so here it goes..........

I have officially reached the "Everyone is pregnant but me" stage :( Literally, everyone IS pregnant but me! I feel like I woke up one morning and then Bham! everyone is pregnant! Dont believe me? For starters, I now have 3 co-workers that are pregnant- yes, THREE!- and keep in mind I work in a small office consisting of only about 15 people. That means there is quite a bit of talk every day that involves baby showers, buying baby clothes, baby names, pregnancy cravings, pregnancy sickness, etc the list goes on and on. And that is just at my work! Outside of work I have continued to watch women battle their own inferitlity struggles and succeed with pregnancy all during the time I have been endlessly waiting for my own.

The worst part of this is, I am happy for all of these women- GENIUNELY happy! I want to be able to help them celebrate their excitement. I want to be able to disuss baby names with them. I want to go buy them lots of onesies, bottles, and burp clothes. BUT, at the same time I dont understand why I cant have a piece of that fairytale as well. If everyone around me gets their "happily ever after", why not me? And as much as I really, truly want to believe everything happens for a reason, I cant help thinking at the same time what did I do to deserve this?

So while I was feeling down earlier today I texted Husband to let him know and here was his exact response: "I know it will happen. I just know babe. You and I are just too awesome to not have a kid. It has to happen." As much as that makes me smile, I also feel so sad because Husband has been so great through all of this and has continued to hold his head high. He still remains so positive and is completely sure that we will end up happy when all of this is over. How am I supposed to respond to that?

So now that I have vented, I hope I havent lost all of my followers :) I really have tried to embrace our infertility and I do feel very grateful for what I have learned through all of this and all of the wonderful people I have met. But I feel that my time should be over, I am ready to move on already! What did all of you do when you were struggling? I have been trying to come up with ways to keep myself busy and Husband has agreed to let me plan a big vacation for us this year so we can just get away for a bit. I would love to hear what worked for you guys to get your mind off of it.

**Oh, and those of you that are pregnant or have kids, please know that I love reading your blogs and I love the comments I receive from you guys. I dont want anyone to think that I am mad or upset towards those who have children--- this vent was totally for selfish reasons and is about our particular situation. Please still send me your stories because I always love reading about others who have been blessed with "a little one"- they continue to give me hope and something to look forward to! :)

30 comments:

stephanie said...

I can't imagine how hard it would be to NOT feel disappointed or frustrated in your situation. I don't really have any sage advice or wisdom but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Al said...

Oh darling...I am the queen of "pity posts", we all know that. But remember, this is your journey, for good or for bad, and don't worry about pleasing "followers" and writing for them. You are writing for YOU. To cope and live through this challenge, and don't beat yourself up for one second about it...We love YOU, and we are all behind you, good or bad posts aside.
Always here, babe...
xoxo

Neely said...

Dont ever think that we dont want to read what you write! Blogs are our outlets and you should write whatever you feel. Praying for you girl!

Ashley said...

i just found your blog... so glad I did... HUsband and I don't have kids yet either... (we havent started trying)... and I have SO much admiration for those who can't have their own children. I swear, God chose the most patient people and gave them that trial. Hang in there, there's a plan for you, I just know it!

Stacy said...

I have a daughter however she is 4 and we have been trying for about 3 years and nothing...we have tracked, bought ovulation kits - everything but see a doctor cuz I don't want the realization to hit me...I don't want someone saying, you can't have anymore kids or something! hang in there!!

Lori said...

Honestly, I think it would be MORE exhausting and harder for you to keep up a cheery, happy face at all times. If it helps, you should embrace what you are feeling-- even if it involves a little pity party here and there. I find that pity parties help me get back up and get over whatever I'm mourning. :)

I do wish the best for you and your hubs and I hope you find peace in your situation!

Ana said...

I think the way you are feeling is completely normal when struggling with infertility/TTCing. I am telling you honestly throughout the four years my DH and I TTCed with no luck I had similar feelings.

I know for me, as a pregnant infertile, I do not hate you or judge you for this post. I think it is the way we all feel, have felt or will feel at some point in time.

I love reading your blog and I am hoping so much that you and your DH get a BFP soon.

Here is a (((HUGE HUG))) from me to you.

Lots of love!!

casprincipessa said...

I am going through the same thing, it's very hard to put on a smiley face!

Ashley said...

Aww honey you are too awesome for it not to happen. I hope it happens for you soon soon soon!

Jenn said...

You have every right to vent when ever you need to! I can't say I know exactly how you are feeling because I have not been in this situation, but I do know how hard it is to want something with all your heart and not being able to have it.
Don't ever feel like you are offending anyone or that you are boring anyone. :)

Rachel and John said...

Virtual Hug!

Josey said...

We've all had hours or days or months where we reach that point. Hang in there... we'll get our time soon!

Kelsey @ Seattle Smith's said...

Girl, it's your blog and you post about your genuine feelings! That's what makes it real and we love you for it!

Manda said...

Must be the weekend, because I had my own little pitty post Friday night on this SAME topic.

I am going thru the same thing as well, and generally tend to keep the "whining" (b/c really, that's what I'd be doing, lol) away from my blog. I really don't even think most of my readers even know it's a struggle of mine.

But with our positive attitudes, and wonderful hubbies, I know our time WILL come. (Just wish we could be sent a "save the date" or something!)

If you ever want to chat, e-mail me! :)
mylifeitm(at)gmail(dot)com.

Sarah said...

Girl, I have been there. It is a very lonely road to be on when everyone else is pregnant and you are still waiting. And even after going through IVF, and now have 3 kids through that, I still feel a little pain of jealousy when I see a pregnant person...I wonder if they really know how truly blessed they are.
I can only tell you that you will be an amazing mother because of it. You will embrace the sleepless nights, the different discomforts of pregnancy, etc. because you will just continue to tell yourself "it was worth it.' And it is worth it...all the heartache, injections, etc. Completely worth it.
When I was going through it, I just found those couple people that I knew I could be real with and they wouldn't give me that generic "just be patient, blah, blah, blah" answer. I surrounded myself with friends who would just listen and allow me to cry every month that I once again got my period.
I also prayed a lot. I am not sure if you are "praying" person, but God definitely helped give me peace every month that I felt let down.
I wish I had some magical answer to tell you that would make your heart feel better, but I can promise you that you are normal. Hold onto the hope that God has a greater plan than you have for yourself...something that will be bring you joy and happiness. He's ok with being misunderstood b/c He knows your future and that something awesome is still to come!
Hugs,
Sarah

brae&joey said...

My husband and I are going through the same thing .. We haven't been trying long but I have 3 friends that got pregnant and I am SO happy for them but at the same time, I want to participate in the sickness(odly) and the baby talk/names .. They are due in August, Sept, and Oct. Every time that certain time of the month comes my husband is on his toes waiting to see if we have a baby or not, the second I tell him, "No baby this month" he gets so depressed! Everytime I hear that someone else is pregnant I text him and tell him how happy I am but yet I cant help but wonder, "Why hasn't it happened to us? What is wrong with us? Why can't we be parents??" And his come backs always make me feel better but it's not the answer I am looking for. I know when the time comes for us to be parents we will be GREAT and I know when the time comes for ya'll to be parents ya'll will be AWESOME!

If ever you want to talk you can email me .. brae_anna3707@yahoo.com

Lindsay said...

This must be so exhausting Cait. You can't help but envy everyone! PRAYING for you guys so much! Hang in there!

J and A said...

Hugs to you my friend. Big hug.

Tami said...

I'm sorry I can't offer any words of wisdom but I am sending lots of thoughts and prayars your way. You are handling a tough situation with such grace and beauty.

Ashley said...

*hugs* I remember feeling the exact same way. And when people would lap me with TWO babies while we were just trying for one that would pretty much send me to the looney bin. Sad but some days true. While I was genuinely happy for them I couldn't understand why we couldn't just have one. It's ok to vent. It's your blog. We will still be reading and here to give you support as you need it. And I know one day we will be discussing YOUR BABY's name. :)

Stephanie said...

Oh hon, I have totally been there! I'm so sorry & unfortunately nothing I say will help (b/c I know from experience). My husband too stayed positive through the whole experience but I felt like it would never be me & I would never be a mother. But now I'm 2 weeks from having 2 under 2; through a pure miracle. It's so hard seeing others pregnant & especially those you see as undeserving. And all those "helpful comments" from others who haven't been through it are not helpful at all. I wish I had an easy answer :( For me that's all I could think of when I was the one not expecting. I NEVER could get my mind off it no matter what.

Stephanie said...

Plus, the only thing I found as helpful was when I would get it off my chest. So blog about it girl!!! It's okay to let it out; I know how frustrating it is.

Meredith said...

okay, I am officially crying now. Praying for you and your hubby. God has a plan, sending prayers and love.

Ashley said...

Praying for you dear! You keep writing anything you want! We're here to listen to you!

momma j lee ♥ said...

I hope you find encouragement, love and tons of support from your followers and all who have responded. You are more than welcome to vent, and as women, we're created to be compassionate and listen. After all, isn't that were girl talk came from? :)

I know you're going through a hard time - trust me, I know and I totally understand your frustration. I actually missed out on my nephews first birthday because of my moment of "why me?" during our yrs of struggling. The feeling of wanting to show love and true happiness to others is hard when you're dealing with your own emotions.

I hope that you're able to come to a place where you are happy with yourself and your life no matter what the outcome is. I found that trying to "deal" with the frustrations of infertility is actually a huge factor in NOT being able to get pregnant. My husband and I only got pregnant after years of fertility treatments with no success which includes 2 miscarriages only after I stopped everything - quit my job, went on vacation and just stopped. I was finally at a stage in my life where I accepted that maybe God had different plans for me and so we looked into adopting and becoming foster parents to children who were already here on this earth but with no family to call their own. To me - becoming a parent meant more than conceiving, it meant being responsible for another life and being a mother meant more than 9 months of pregnancy. So my prayer for you is that you too can come to place in your life where you can truly be happy no matter where you are and what stage you maybe in - and through that happiness may you find the peace you so deserve.

Ashley said...

It took us 2 1/2 years to get pregnant and I felt the exact same way you feel ALL THE TIME! honestly... I shopped al lot and planned a vacation. It's sad bud that really helped

Channa, Life as a Coaches Wife said...

I know I am late on commenting to this post, oh'well!
Since we are experiencing the same struggles I can safely say I know how you feel! And I can honestly say nothing helps to take your mind off of it! I always laugh when people say "It is all about Timing", "It will happen when you stop trying", "Be grateful for what you do have" etc...Um, did they get pregnant right away because they surely must not have had to follow their own "rules"! HA! I know it sucks but I think the best thing is to vent and then move on until you need to vent again! Don't keep it bottled up!
I am so sorry you are going through this! I know how much it sucks!

Andreae said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. If you ever need to vent, I'm always here to listen:-D You guys are in my prayers! Sending lots of hugs and love your way!

Amber said...

Oh I can't imagine.. I agree with ALL of the comments above. Timing's gotta be right. God will put it on your plate when you're ready. You guys will be great when it's your time. :) xoxo

Rebecca K said...

Just stumbled across your blog ...
and although many others ahead of me have said the same thing, you're not alone!
My husband and I had been married EIGHT years when my baby girl was finally born ... and now we're on year #2 of trying for baby #2. It is THE MOST frustrating experience, I know.
And everyone I know is pregnant, too! Just when I think there can't possible be one more ... there's another pregnant friend/relative/co-worker pregnant -- heck, I've even become obsessed with the celebrities who were pregnant at the same time as I was last time - and are now, of course, pregnant again.
All this to say .... again, you're not alone! Hang in there!
Great blog!
:-)